Wednesday, August 25, 2010

An Open Letter to the Person Who Typed in Global Watch

Thou that seest Universal
Nature moved by Universal Mind;
Thou majestic in thy sadness
at the doubtful doom of human kind;

Light among the vanished ages;
star that gildest yet this phantom shore;
Golden branch amid the shadows,
kings and realms that pass to rise no more;

Now thy Forum roars no longer,
fallen every purple Caesar's dome -
Tho' thine ocean-roll of rhythm
sound for ever of Imperial Rome -

Now the Rome of slaves hath perished,
and the Rome of freemen holds her place,
I, from out the Northern Island
sundered once from all the human race,

I salute thee, Mantovano,
I that loved thee since my day began,
Wielder of the stateliest measure
ever moulded by the lips of man.

--Tennyson, To Virgil

Dear Person Who Typed in Global Watch:

This is the last post I will ever write for this blog.  It's over.

I'm ending this blog for a simple reason:  I have too much stuff going on.  While a part of me wants to stick around and continue this blog for the second book of the exciting series, Global Watch, I have things to do.  Not having a blog to maintain is going to free up about 30 minutes every week that I can use on things that don't make me want to drink.  I haven't had an earthshaking epiphany.  I haven't decided to go into hiding.  I've just become really busy.

For a year, I have been combing over that dreck you dare to sell to people.  Reflect on that a moment: Global Watch has enough errors in it to justify a year of editing. Your knowledge of that which you strive to describe is shaky; your use of language is reminiscent of a book report written by a slow, inebriated junior college student; your ignorance of grammar and punctuation should be a deep shame for every English teacher you've ever had. I don't know how else to say it one last time:  You suck as a writer.

Having said that, I'd like to thank you, person who typed in Global Watch. It has been so much fun making fun of your writing.  I have received many emails from people who have been heartened and cheered by knowing that no matter how bad their situation, at least they were not the person who typed in Global Watch. When you used phrases like "juvenile rouse" and "going pubic," you lowered my blood pressure ever so slightly.  When you referred to the Appalachian Mountains as "Appellation," and said they were in Switzerland?  Comic gold.  Telling everybody that your mom edited it?  That you think there is a building in front of the Lincoln Memorial?  Hilarious. The way you had Wolf Blitzer be an integral part of your plot?  You should read Global Watch to people whose pets have just died, it's that funny.  Every page gave me something to laugh at and share.

As I close, I implore you to keep writing.  You need the practice, and the world needs more farce.  Thanks for the memories, Global Watch.


(your friend)
Global Watcher

1 comment:

  1. Awww, your fans are going to miss this blog! Thank you for a very entertaining year!